don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Boobs are out for the taking
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
