honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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