it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
