Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
