My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
