Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Randomize
