Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
