What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
