so that wasnt chicken after all
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
