I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
