I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
