well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
