I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
