Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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