I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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