I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
