Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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