i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
