My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
