Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
