I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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