worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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