So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
