Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
