Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
