when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
