I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
