I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
