I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
