youre lurking in front of me
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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