Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
