i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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