she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize