my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
