i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
