I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
the raccoons are back...
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