i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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