Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
