i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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