There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
