I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
