I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
