I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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