I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it was like eating out sand paper
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I wish there were birth control emojis
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
