Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize