After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize