Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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