If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
