Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
