i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
