im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
