This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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