Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
