I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
